“How come there is five years between them? You just didn’t want another back then?”
I had just laid down in the dentist chair, the hygienist was completely oblivious to what she was saying. She had just asked the ages of my children. My nine year old daughter was in another room getting a cavity filled. My four year old son sitting in the chair to my left, watching something on YouTube on my phone so I could keep him under control long enough to have a quick scaling and polish.
“Well”, I started with, “Sometimes life isn’t fair” I said, trying to keep the conversation about this as short as possible. The hygienist herself is a Mom and I thought that was all I needed to say.
“I don’t get what that means” she said.
Ah fuck.
“Okay, well it means life sucks sometimes.” Please be all I needed to say, please be it. My god, don’t even…
“Tell me about it, I’m a single Mom, but I think you’ll regret that age gap”.
There’s a point sometimes where I want to just leave things alone. There’s also a point where I feel the need to shut someone’s mouth because they clearly don’t get it. Did she read back in my medical form past five years ago when she asked if there had been any changes to my health? Did she not see that there was another pregnancy and that baby is not here? Or that the age of my younger child didn’t add up to the age that should have been sitting there?
“I don’t and won’t regret that age gap because it wasn’t up to me”.
Sometimes Life Isn’t Fair
This was definitely not the first time I’ve had someone who has known me for a hot minute make reference to the years of birth of my children – 2009 and 2014. It’s not their business of course, but people are nosy about why I waited so long. Really, five years is not long, it’s not like eight or nine years, that’s kind of long, but proper financial planning really if you are hoping your kids will go to medical or law school. I did shut one person down once harshly with, “a baby died inside me”. It’s not a great conversation starter, so it’s never my lead.
I don’t get upset anymore as much as I get annoyed by insensitivity. Where in the manual of womanhood did it ever become okay to poke around and ask questions or make assumptions about people’s personal lives? I’m not sure my eyes can roll any harder at the ignorance.
I don’t know, maybe if you just haven’t been through it, it doesn’t even cross your mind. I mean, 1 in 4 pregnancies end in a miscarriage, so that could be like 75% of the population of women maybe haven’t had to hear “I can’t find the heartbeat”. That’s clearly not the correct number, but you catch my drift?
But for the rest of us, seriously. Don’t go there. Even if you are well meaning, you have no idea what can of worms you are about to pop open.
My two oldest children were born in 1999 and 2004. I miscarried in between them as well. Then when my son was only 8 months old I was pregnant again. So I have the 5 year gap and then a 17 month gap. People ask so many nosy inconsiderate questions. Including assuming my older daughter was my child from a previous relationship and my son and younger daughter were my children with my husband. I’m sorry you have had to deal with this as well. I too went off on a few people. It’s doesnt feel good but it’s hard not to sometimes.
Thank you for sharing your story with me, Suzy. It’s good to go we are not alone and “get” each other.
I have a huge gap between my girls. They are 17, 9, & 2. I have received the oddest comments. My personal favorite is the ones that assume that they have different fathers. Obviously that’s the only option. Starting over, a second family, it solves everything in their minds until I say “nope, same dad. Been married for 18 years.” That really takes the wind out of their sails. Then they say things like “ Why would you want to start all over? Do you regret that?” To which I respond, “No. Do you regret any of your children?” About this point they start questioning why I would wait so long between them. It’s a conversation that none of us want to have. It’s something we shouldn’t have to explain. I like to leave it with “My children are happy and healthy. They are well cared for by people who love them. That’s all that matters.” Occasionally people only ask “Do they get along at all?” They have that look in their eyes, just waiting to hear that they fight all the time and resent each other. They’re always shocked to find that my girls are ridiculously close and get along very well. There are perks. My girls have enjoyed being the baby for an extended period. They were very excited to have siblings. It’s sad that we must explain ourselves. It’s horrible for the people who are struggling with infertility and always asked when they are having kids too. Maybe the more of us that speak up the less that people will ask.
You’re right. It is sad we have to explain ourselves. I’m so tired of nosy people who have an opinion on everything from the age gap to how to entertain them together. I’m just kind of at the point where I don’t need to explain anything to anyone anymore.
I completely understand. If I get to my breaking point I always say that they can do whatever they please with anything that comes out of their body and I will do the same.